I love all the creatures of the world, great and small. And so I welcome any efforts by the Government of Canada to treat at least some of them in a humane fashion.

Now comes the news that the seal hunt is once again under the microscope. There are many who oppose this hunt. Among the rich and famous, it has long since become fashionable to eschew wearing the skins of cute animals in favor of items that part at the thighs. These photograph better when exiting limousines, and are less liable to attract protesters throwing paint on expensive wardrobe, good money after bad if you will.

The seal hunt is a miserable exercise for all involved. For the seals, they must face hordes of humans swarming the ice, smelling of the blood of their relatives and bearing clubs from which escape seems to occur not often enough. For the humans, there's the negative press and the cold weather work in dangerous conditions at sea. It's a bad situation all round.

Now Her Majesty's Government in Canada has decreed that clubbing the seals is not such a good idea after all. Viewed from Ottawa, the problem is that a clubbed seal might not be a dead seal once the knives come out, and the people start to remove the skins from those cute public relations nightmares.

I had not realized until now that the clubbing was quickly followed by a serious knifing, but apparently this is the case.

I can see why the public service might be beyond concerned. Who wants to have the screams of poorly clubbed seals on their consciences. What's worse, some Birkenstock wearing tree hugger reeking of patchouli might decide to bring a recording device out to the killing grounds, and before you know it there could be screaming seals all over the evening news.

There's also the risk that one of these tree huggers might be musically inclined and named say, Bono or McCartney. They have the wherewithal and the budget to take the terrifying step of putting these screams to music, and releasing the material with a group of their do gooding friends in one of those do gooder clusterfucks that happen every so often. Starving African babies on side A, screaming seals on side B.

The horror.

To seal the fate of any such campaigns and to appease the old country Europeans, those crazy Canucks have decided to take a bold step and protect the seals once and for all.

The Marine Mammal Regulations have been amended to prescribe that from now on seals will be shot instead of clubbed.

Further, the seals skulls will have to be crushed, and the blood of the animals will have to flow for a full minute before any knives can slip under their skins.

This will be backed up with high tech helicopter surveillance to ensure that thy Queen's will be done on earth and at sea so help thee God.

I see a problem with all this.

There appears to be no stipulation on what sort of guns may be brought out to the ice and used to kill the seals. What's to say that people won't bring old muskets and .22 calibre pop guns out to a situation that probably calls for more firepower? If there's a way to abuse a law, that way will be found. Even some do gooder seal hunters might decide to bring small calibre weapons out to further protect the seals from pain, and thus have to shoot these poor animals numerous times before welcome death arrives.

I now call up on Her Majesty's Government in Canada to correct the deficiencies in this ordinance before it is too late. There is only one way to guarantee these poor seals are dead before they are deprived of their skins. And that way is to use machine guns. Machine guns offer the benefit of a high rate of fire, combined with sufficient projectile girth to ensure death. That is why they were invented in the first place.

Join me now in calling upon the Government of Canada to finish the job of protecting the seals. Write to Fisheries and Oceans Canada, and demand that sealers be mandated to use the right tools for the job. Allow sealers to use automatic weapons in the hunt, and let's all do our part to save those seals.

Read all about it here and then do what you know you got to do.

Tags: sealhunt, Government of Canada, Marine Mammal Regulations, machine guns, automatic weapons, Fisheries and Oceans Canada