there are actually just two kinds of people in the world. there are those who can draw and know it, and there are those who can't draw and don't know it. members of the first group eventually move on to the second grade and go on to make better things happen for themselves.

the others go on to be cartoon illustrators at crappy newspapers.

sometimes a poorly drawn cartoon in some crappy newspaper draws attention from all the wrong kinds of people.

for instance, you might draw something depicting the prophet muhammad doing something unislamic. this will always draw you the wrong kinds of attention from all the wrong kinds of people.

but most newspaper cartoonists are too stupid to realize this, because they have even less intelligence and wit than the average chimpanzee. and also, they're paid to keep the paper's audited circulation numbers looking healthy. and so they keep drawing things that draw adverse attention.

every so often, while in the pursuit of the almighty dollar a newspaper cartoonist draws something truly horrible.

this can lead to the kind of adverse attention that focuses on poor rendering and inept use of shadow and perspective. this kind of attention mostly comes from university art professors, themselves failed cartoonists.

but more often the attention is focused on what the cartoonist said, or what other people thought the cartoonist said. and sometimes this attention becomes apparent in the form of demonstrators shouting slogans and advocating the beheading of the cartoonist and their supervisors.

when demonstrators arrive outside the front door of the newspaper, the security guards become more alert, and their boss duly writes a memo. the memo usually draws attention from the boss of the newspaper, which is the worst kind of attention a newspaper can get.

the boss of the newspaper is usually too busy gambling with the other prisoners to actually get on the lear jet and come see the cartoonist in person. so first they send the cartoonist's editor to issue a press release.

the press release is actually just a standard form the newspaper's lawyers keep in the articling student's desk. it usually says that the freedom of the press is sacred, and that only small minded men with small penises and the fat women who love them would ever pay attention to what newspaper cartoonist draw.

but having said that, the press release usually makes it clear that the cartoonist is not about to be fired.

in particularly egregious cases though, the press release fails to impress and so the newspaper editor is drawn out into the open. the warden of the prison will soon easily be bought off, and the lear jet can easily be brought round and the newspaper boss will shortly be arriving at the airport. this presents a golden opportunity to clear up the situation once and for all.
 
with the use of a large calibre rifle with a bipod mount, a well paid, motivated marine can easily shoot the newspaper boss through the head from well beyond the airport perimeter fence.

perhaps the kill can even be made from as far back as the airport hotel row. then they have to find someone else to write the cartoonist's pay check.
 
if a shot to the head on the airport tarmac is going to be a problem, your best bet would then be to steal a motorcycle and use it to follow the limousine to the newspaper's offices.

the boss will usually be driven straight there, and so you have a good opportunity to shoot them through the head when the driver opens the door, and again when while the driver gets the newspaper bosses' walker from the limo's trunk.

 if either of these situations is unpalatable for whatever reason, the only remaining alternative is to mortar the newspaper from the parking lot. mortaring is a weapon of statistical attrition, so you might want to bring a few of them just to make sure.

if you're planning to do any of this, go big or go home. start at a really crappy newspaper, maybe something like the new york post or the wall street journal. then move on up the line from there.

lest there be any mistake, what i have proposed in this satirical piece is not anything i would actually suggest anyone should do. mostly though, if anythiing i have said offends you, you can pucker right up and just kiss my black ass.